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CHAPTER THREE: "I JUST LEFT A RESTAURANT WHY AM I PULLING INTO WHITE CASTLE"?


 

I’m glad I never got on the phone. 


Why? 


Because knowing what I know now, I was not ready. 


If I would have gotten surgery 2-3 years ago, I would have bombed it, self-sabotaged it, etc. 


Simple as that.


Let’s just call it what it is. 


I was battling a SERIOUS food addiction. 


(WLS Gem: Before undergoing this procedure, you REALLY “gotta get ya mind right”.)


You have to begin addressing the “issues” under the surface. 


You have to shed the mental weight in order to shed the physical weight. 


Does WLS help you shed weight physically? YES ! 


But can you still overeat with WLS and gain all the weight back? YES!


(WLS Gem: WLS DOES NOT stop you from putting food in your mouth if you are sad, angry, hurt, etc.)


WLS DOES NOT TURN OFF YOUR “EMOTIONS”. TRUST ME.


Let me be clear. Food wasn’t the issue.  


Food is what I used to cope with the issues of my heart. 


Food is what I used to COPE with my emotions (happy, sadness, anger, rejection etc). 


Which leads me to believe that God’s timing is FAR better than our own timing. (Hence why I’m glad I wasn’t approved the FIRST time around. Hence why I’m glad I never got on the phone)


I had some healing I needed to do. 


There were some chains that needed to be broken.


God + Therapy. 


Can I fast forward a little bit?


It’s about early 2018 and at this point, and I started doing some deeper self-reflection with my therapist (who is a heaven sent angel by the way). 


I realized that my eating HAD BECOME bigger than me. 


The deeper I dug, I realized this had turned into an addiction FOR ME.


There was a deep seeded root surrounding the dependency of food. 


The cravings were insane and beyond me - out of my control. 


(WLS Gem: Do you own research but please note there is a difference between craving and hunger. I now understand this on a much deeper level). 


This is where it gets real. 


Let me paint the picture. 


It’s Saturday and I’m in South Jersey with some family. We go to a restaurant at about 7pm. I eat a FULL COURSE MEAL (chicken wings, french fries, a drink AND dessert). I’m on my way home around 10pm. At 11pm, I pull into White Caste and eat ANOTHER full course meal (4 cheeseburgers, french fries, chicken rings, and a drink).


I remember this night vividly. 


I was in trouble. 


I was hiding. 


I was masking. 


Something inside of me was crying out for help. 


As I’m sitting in my car eating, in the back of my mind I know this has got to stop. 


There were things under the surface and instead of addressing them, I avoided and I ate. 


There is ALWAYS something underlying. We just tend to mask them with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, money, working, overcompensating, etc


There was no justifiable reason for me stopping at White Castle to eat, after I just left a restaurant WHERE I ATE A FULL COURSE MEAL. 


THAT DAY. 


After my second meal.


ON THAT CAR RIDE HOME. 


SOMETHING BROKE. 


SOMETHING SHIFTED.  


It was NOW time for me to get on the phone and make the call. 


I was ready.



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